Wednesday October 29 9:59 pm
Have you ever felt dizzy from the words running circles in your head? The millions of things you want to explain to people and yet you feel like you can't. Their is a filter stuck between your brain and your fingers that tries to calm the pain, ease the chaos, find the bright side in things. Some days I just want to shove that filter aside and let myself role around in the harsh realities that are life and some days I am on the complete other end of the spectrum and I wish I could pull that filter around me and hide in a dark place and pretend like nothing bad is out there to get me. I believe that writing is the key to it all. If I could just unlock the filter and let a little out in a form that could be tolerated then maybe I could wrap my hands around them. Everywhere you look our world is filled with broken souls. Do you know anyone who has been left untouched? I sure don't. Ok maybe my father-in-laws girlfriend but only cause she has chosen to be blinded. A horse with blinders on them can walk down the street and never be afraid of the 3000 pound cars whizzing past as long as they don't turn to look. Sometimes I wonder if oblivion wouldn't be a safer world to live in but you can't be a survivor and live with blinders.
How much of our lives are made up by our families. I spent most of my early years listening to people whine about fathers who left them, mothers who didn't care, divorce splitting their family and for some reason I felt hidden from it. I guess if you never have something/someone you don't grieve for them so much. I have never had a father and my mother never wanted me. That should fuck a person up shouldn't it. Just in the nature of it, those facts should change how a person functions. I made it through many many years never really looking that fact over for what it was. Later in life, as outside realities and other things started to wade into my world, I started to find little aches and pains that being alone had left me with. I spent so many years not caring about my mother and how she felt about me and treated me that when it finally did seep into my conscious, I was unprepared for it. This sudden sense of unworthy and neediness snuck up and sucked me down. But what the hell did I care about a father I never knew and a mother who was as much a child as I was. I never needed them so why need them suddenly. Its not so much that I needed them or even wanted them, I just needed to find a place of self worth and how can you find that when you feel that your own parents never wanted you? The world is a cold, hard place and we all have our dirt little lives to try to hold up to the light. If our emotional scars could be shown to the light we would all be so deformed that beauty would never be a question. They say that "Chicks Dig Scars". I wonder how we would feel about them if they came from emotional wounds instead of battles. What shell would we have left to show the world and would the scars ever fade. Do you ever lose those things that split you wide for the wind to settle into. Do they fade like a bruise does, Changing colors from the black of pure pain to green, then yellow, then finally back into your skin to be one more reminder of life. But shouldn't we be happy to have lived it. If we could see those physical reminders of what a person has lived through, wouldn't we stop and open our eyes to what others have survived. I have been through hell in my life. Things that most people never want to dream of, but I don't have the worst stories of my friends. I don't have the kind of stories that make you shudder. I lived and I continue to live everyday. But just like those outside bruises, Emotional damage can poison your system. It can leave you bled dry and praying for the rain to come and wash you away. God if our memories weren't so long and so vivid. You never forget the realities that have scarred you. They are your worst nightmares and your greatest successes all rolled into one.